Would you rather...

As I sit at my computer with one week, seven days, one hundred and 68 hours, 10,800 minutes, 604,800 seconds, left until the last day of college, I cannot help but feel overwhelmed with sadness and disbelief.  Last day of classes (LDOC) for me EVER.   In one week, I will be a Duke graduate (well, actual graduation is May 15 but LDOC is in one week).  The time has flown.  Freshmen, if you are reading this blog, cherish the time because you soon will be sitting in my seat.  Alumni.  Graduate.  I went to Duke, rather than I go to Duke.
Four years ago, I stepped on Duke’s campus as a petrified, lost, overwhelmed, alone freshman.  I had never heard of the notion "effortlessly perfect."  But over my four years, I have heard this phrase on countless occasions.
Gosh, she looks perfect today.  Where is her dress from?  Look at her hair.  She is so skinny.  She is so tan.  I wish I looked like her.  What sorority is she in?  She has a good-looking boyfriend too.  She is so cool.  And she doesn't even try.
If you take nothing else away from this blog, I hope you remember this:  She does try.  She tries hard.  She puts effort into her life, into her appearance, into her social life.  We all try.  Because we are all not perfect.
The past four years have been far from perfect.  I have made mistakes, I have done poorly on tests, I have eaten too much on countless occasions, I have looked tired and disheveled.  I have been constantly not perfect.  And certainly never effortlessly perfect.  I am still not perfect and will never be.  I am a nerd, I try to do well in my classes.  I have been in the library on a Saturday night.  I am goofy and awkward.  I do not always do my hair or my makeup.  I am not cooler than your standard Cameron Crazie. I am a Cameron Crazie.  I am content with my imperfect appearance, my "awkward/uncool" personality.  I would much rather be myself...

Cool?

 Best Dressed?

I am a Cameron Crazie!

The perfect picture.

Nerd

Natural. and Real.

I would much rather be me than an effortlessly perfect robot.  

So what would you rather? Perfect and no fun? Or a girl or a boy with a personality and something to contribute?

What Culture?

The Culture of Effortless Imperfection:

It’s 3 p.m. on a beautiful spring day. I pass by a West Campus bench and see a shirtless young man enjoying a cheap beer and scratching his navel. Nearby, his friends barbecue and blast either Tom Petty or a boldly mediocre Atlanta rapper.

This guy, with his farmer’s tan and his awesomely battered boat shoes, looks perfectly happy. That’s what he wants us to think. Beneath this seemingly chill surface, his mind is racing. He has to work hard to appear so completely indifferent to schoolwork, ideas, national and international affairs and pretty much anything that doesn’t come in a can and profess to be “beer.” The appearance of utter imperfection is never accomplished without both self-conscious effort and a pair of salmon-colored shorts.

How can we let this young man know that we feel for him, that it doesn’t have to be this way? We could start by finding him something in a nice earth tone.

Clear as Glass

“Depression exists at Duke.  But it is hidden.  Jane is normally a very sunny girl.  Even during her depression, she always had a kind word or a funny story…she didn’t want anyone to know.  She wanted to hide, just as she desperately wanted to blink away her tears. 

Until now, no one knew about her depression, not even her closest friends.  Jane had never talked to anyone about it, except with Counseling and Psychological Services and her parents.  She had always kept it to herself, sealed away from the eyes of the world.”

As I read the article in the Chronicle this morning, I couldn’t help but link the feelings Jane expresses, or fails to express, to the struggles associated with those who suffer from the quest to effortless perfection.  Similar battles, depression and effortless perfection; not always mutually exclusive, one potentially at the root of the other and vice versa.  A vicious cycle. Depression and effortless perfection hold that elusive place in society, similarly hidden and avoided topics of discussion.

Jane- a tormented soul struggling to find peace within herself. “CAPS is helping Jane get through her depression.” Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) helps girls overcome the fight to be effortlessly perfect.  

Gary Glass, 

Licensed Psychologist and 

Assistant Director for Outreach and Developmental Programming and Duke University Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), provides an insight into the struggles he sees everyday.  

1- Do you see effortless perfection as a main source of stress/mental struggles at Duke?  If so, do you think it is worse here than at other colleges?

 I do see this concept as a significant source, although I hear the term a lot less than I did 3-5 years ago.  I think that, in addition (but part of) this concept is also a prohibition of vulnerability.   Not only is that a problem because it sends people into hiding when they are struggling in any way, but also because it deprives the campus culture from the intricacies of being human that would deepen friendships and inform relationships of all levels.   I think the effects are stronger than at many other institutions, partly because of how insulated the campus community is, the relative smaller size (the more students, the more difference is accepted), and because it's a highly selective institution (which creates a competitive context).

2- Do you see boys as well as girls dealing with effortless perfection here at Duke?  

 Yes, but in different ways.   While men are increasingly facing body image problems, those pressures are still rather gendered in such a way that women struggle more often and more profoundly with achieving an idealized body type.  I think the way "perfection" is defined in terms of career choice, courses taken, etc can also be somewhat gendered.  I also see that race and culture play a role in how perfection is defined on campus, and students of color, students from backgrounds with less economic resources, and students from other countries all confront ideals that may not fit with the world view they arrived here with.

3- How do you think as a community and a society we can fight effortless perfection?

 Blogs like yours and the Me Too blog, which a student and I launched a few years ago, have the right idea.  The more open people are, the more they take risks to show their true selves (confident when that's true, and vulnerable when that's true) are key.  I also think about defining success and strength with greater flexibility and less in dichotomous terms would go a long way.  

4- Any additional comments you may have on the subject.  I am really just looking for a new point of view that is close to the source of the problem at Duke.  

 Just that last point I made.  You may notice that my signature line has a quote in it that refers to paradox.  

"I had to make my world large, as the universe is large, so that there would be room for paradox."  - Maxine Hong Kingston

I believe the core issue is that students promote and buy into (not to mention the university as a whole) a dichotomous view of life that's limiting, misleading, and problematic.  Good/Bad, Fat/Thin, Intelligent/Stupid, All/Nothing, Black/White, Perfect/Worthless.  Furthermore, this tendency to operate from such a lens comes from a culture where FEAR drives attitudes and behaviors more than ASPIRATIONS and HOPES.   That's a paragraph summary of a much more elaborate explanation, but the book will take a little longer to get out, so that's a sneak preview.   

So to the world, Jane is good, thin, intelligence, has it all, perfect.  But inside, she feels alone, feels bad, stupid, worthless.  Dr. Glass works to dispel the dichotomy, provide an alternative for a harsh line dividing the good from the bad, the happy from the depressed, the “perfect” from the flawed. 

A Show a Cut Above the Rest

Some strong adult content is not for the faint of heart, so leave the kids at home.

            That is for sure.   I just got back from the show, All of the Above.  Did you see it?  It was incredible.  Absolutely incredible.  It was heart-wrenching, inspiring, brutally honest, eye-opening, sickening, saddening – it had to have touched every emotion in every individual in the audience.  We laughed, we choked up, we were inspired.  The show, verbally presented as -

a theatrical production comprised by monologues written, performed, and directed by Duke women about Duke life. The play represents the female experience on campus by addressing the sad, strange, shocking, and funny things that make life as a woman so unique. The pieces included in this year’s show were selected from a collection of monologues anonymously submitted during the fall semester…

            But it was far more than that. It was a display of the torment and struggles Duke women face in the hope of achieving effortless perfection.  But as one of the monologues truthfully phrased the struggle as “effortlessly perfect on the outside, demented and a mess on the inside.”  All the Above beautifully displayed an unfiltered, unedited version of the struggle that is often buffered and softened for the general public. 

I think every student at Duke should see these series of monologues- both female and male students.  For female students (especially those who may deal with some of the issues addressed) - to feel a sense of connection to other women on campus, to know that you are never alone – someone out there is feeling your pain and struggle.  Despite the fact that the show centers on women’s struggles on campus, males should see it too.  Males alike (probably more hidden and less verbalized) may be experiencing some of the feelings these women portray.  Since the male perception of Duke women as effortlessly perfect is far too common, the show serves as a platform for understanding women’s inner demons as a result of the pedestal that both men and women raise women to.   And for both genders - see this series to deepen the evidence that NO one is perfect.  We can try all we want to be but it will never happen.  Let the notion go, for the longer you hold on to it, the longer the inner demons have to grow and the further you have to fall when the realization hits that you are NOT perfect.  But All the Above will serve as the reminder that NO ONE is perfect.

            

What is the cost?

I have only seen a few perfect games in my life, one of which was two nights ago.  And it was not my team that had the perfect game, but rather the opponent.   Duke was the on the receiving end of a perfect game from Derrick Williams, the Arizona wildcat that single-handedly defeated Duke and crushed Duke’s dreams of a repeat National Championship.  The loss broke my heart.  As I watched in disbelief and disappointment as Arizona extended its lead in the second half, I was crushed.  I was sad for myself (I know selfish but I just love watching Duke play), for the fans, for the student body, but most of all, for the players.  The thirteen players who have dedicated countless hours and energy to the one goal – to be the 2011 National Champions in Men’s Division I basketball.   Yes a lofty goal but not out of reach.  Until the other night.   I had Duke winning the national championship in my bracket, not just because I am a huge Duke fan (obviously) but because I really did think they could do it again.  Yet, what we saw the other night was not the perfect game we, as Duke fans, hoped from Duke but instead we were on the receiving team of a powerful game from a guy name Derrick Williams.  He just couldn’t miss. And Duke just couldn’t stop him.  Hitting the three with no time on the clock heading into half time was the dagger that Duke just couldn’t recover from. 

Williams, the sophomore sensation, had 32 points, 13 rebounds, three steals, two assists, and a block in Arizona’s victory. The big man was 5-6 from beyond the arc, and absolutely unstoppable all game long.

Source

Perfection.  The perfect game.  That is what every athlete, every team, every school hopes for when the athletes and coaches step into the arena. The goal to have a perfect game every game is not realistic and sets up every team, every player, every coach for disappointment.  Bad games happen, good games happen often, great games sometimes, but perfect games are rare, extremely rare.  Nolan Smith has had ten point games, followed by a thirty-point game.  The same can be said for Singler.  And Williams too is no exception.  In the basketball world, Williams showcased a phenomenal game last night. 

The hope for a perfect game extends far beyond basketball. In baseball,

A perfect game is defined by Major League Baseball as a game in which a pitcher (or combination of pitchers) pitches a victory that lasts a minimum of nine innings and in which no opposing player reaches base.[2] Thus, the pitcher (or pitchers) cannot allow any hits, walks, hit batsmen, or any opposing player to reach base safely for any other reason—in short, "27 up, 27 down". The feat has been achieved 20 times in the history of major league baseball—18 times since the modern era began in 1900.

It has happened 18 times in 21 years.  How many games of baseball have been played in that time frame?  Thousands? Maybe millions?  Every game, the pitcher strives to pitch the perfect game.  And each time they don’t (which is most of the time), they are disappointed.  So why do we as a society strive to achieve perfection in sports when it is so rare?  No wonder some athletes turn to steroids or other unethical ways to improve.  No wonder coaches break the NCAA rules of recruiting.   No wonder some professional athletes have depression and mental disorders. They want that perfect game, the perfect team.  They want to be champions.  But what is the cost?  

Always Feeling Rushed? You are not alone.

Newswise — While more free time sounds like a good thing for everyone, new research suggests it is a better deal for men than it is for women.

A study found that men who have more free time feel less rushed than men with less leisure time. But even when women have more time free from paid work and household tasks, they don’t feel less rushed.

Heard: A male's opinion

For this week’s post, I decided to dissect the phenomenon of effortless perfection from a different perspective, that of a Duke male.  Yes, you heard me, M-A-L-E.  Females are not the only gender that feels the pressures and stresses of the out-of-reach dream to be effortlessly perfect.  Up to this point in my blog, my posts have focused on integrating the viewpoints of popular media articles, well-known public opinion pieces, and publications targeting the pressures of Duke women and women in general as well as expressing my own opinion on the subject.  Yet, by tapping into another resource, I hope to add depth to my overall argument: no one is effortlessly perfect.  No one should try to appear perfect.  Yet females feel the pressure.  Males experience the stress.  People of all identities can identify with the struggle to be perfect.   

So here it goes.  Heard: A male's opinion. (Although his identity will remain confidential, his thoughts are shared below).

Profile: 

School: Duke

Gender: Male

Age: 21

Year: Junior

Hometown: B.C., Canada

1- Did you hear the term ‘effortless perfection’ before you came to Duke?

Yes. Read it in the rolling stone article that covered the Duke lacrosse scandal.

2- How would you personally define the term?

The expectation that someone (usually women but sometimes men) should

be able to appear perfect (good grades, perfect wardrobe, go out all

the time, high social standing, high family income) without "trying"

(lots of time in the library, part time job, appear over-eager to be well

known, etc) to do so.

3- Do you personally feel the pressure of effortless perfection on a day-to-day basis?

Sort of. I feel a pressure to be seen with "high status" people, hook

up with certain girls, and be able to run up bar tabs pretty

regularly.

4- How have you seen girls/boys struggle with it?

More girls than guys. And only close friends, who confide in me or

that I see enough to observe the pressure in.

5- Do you think it is different here than other schools?

Yes and no. I think Duke’s social scene creates more pressure than

elsewhere with high academic standards. Very few places combine

academic and social pressures as much as Duke.

6- Any additional comments on the topic.

I think that "effortless perfection" is internal within the sexes;

other girls care more about what a girl wears more than guys do and

guys are more apt to judge someone’s family income or friends than

girls.