Would you rather...

As I sit at my computer with one week, seven days, one hundred and 68 hours, 10,800 minutes, 604,800 seconds, left until the last day of college, I cannot help but feel overwhelmed with sadness and disbelief.  Last day of classes (LDOC) for me EVER.   In one week, I will be a Duke graduate (well, actual graduation is May 15 but LDOC is in one week).  The time has flown.  Freshmen, if you are reading this blog, cherish the time because you soon will be sitting in my seat.  Alumni.  Graduate.  I went to Duke, rather than I go to Duke.
Four years ago, I stepped on Duke’s campus as a petrified, lost, overwhelmed, alone freshman.  I had never heard of the notion "effortlessly perfect."  But over my four years, I have heard this phrase on countless occasions.
Gosh, she looks perfect today.  Where is her dress from?  Look at her hair.  She is so skinny.  She is so tan.  I wish I looked like her.  What sorority is she in?  She has a good-looking boyfriend too.  She is so cool.  And she doesn't even try.
If you take nothing else away from this blog, I hope you remember this:  She does try.  She tries hard.  She puts effort into her life, into her appearance, into her social life.  We all try.  Because we are all not perfect.
The past four years have been far from perfect.  I have made mistakes, I have done poorly on tests, I have eaten too much on countless occasions, I have looked tired and disheveled.  I have been constantly not perfect.  And certainly never effortlessly perfect.  I am still not perfect and will never be.  I am a nerd, I try to do well in my classes.  I have been in the library on a Saturday night.  I am goofy and awkward.  I do not always do my hair or my makeup.  I am not cooler than your standard Cameron Crazie. I am a Cameron Crazie.  I am content with my imperfect appearance, my "awkward/uncool" personality.  I would much rather be myself...

Cool?

 Best Dressed?

I am a Cameron Crazie!

The perfect picture.

Nerd

Natural. and Real.

I would much rather be me than an effortlessly perfect robot.  

So what would you rather? Perfect and no fun? Or a girl or a boy with a personality and something to contribute?

What Culture?

The Culture of Effortless Imperfection:

It’s 3 p.m. on a beautiful spring day. I pass by a West Campus bench and see a shirtless young man enjoying a cheap beer and scratching his navel. Nearby, his friends barbecue and blast either Tom Petty or a boldly mediocre Atlanta rapper.

This guy, with his farmer’s tan and his awesomely battered boat shoes, looks perfectly happy. That’s what he wants us to think. Beneath this seemingly chill surface, his mind is racing. He has to work hard to appear so completely indifferent to schoolwork, ideas, national and international affairs and pretty much anything that doesn’t come in a can and profess to be “beer.” The appearance of utter imperfection is never accomplished without both self-conscious effort and a pair of salmon-colored shorts.

How can we let this young man know that we feel for him, that it doesn’t have to be this way? We could start by finding him something in a nice earth tone.

Clear as Glass

“Depression exists at Duke.  But it is hidden.  Jane is normally a very sunny girl.  Even during her depression, she always had a kind word or a funny story…she didn’t want anyone to know.  She wanted to hide, just as she desperately wanted to blink away her tears. 

Until now, no one knew about her depression, not even her closest friends.  Jane had never talked to anyone about it, except with Counseling and Psychological Services and her parents.  She had always kept it to herself, sealed away from the eyes of the world.”

As I read the article in the Chronicle this morning, I couldn’t help but link the feelings Jane expresses, or fails to express, to the struggles associated with those who suffer from the quest to effortless perfection.  Similar battles, depression and effortless perfection; not always mutually exclusive, one potentially at the root of the other and vice versa.  A vicious cycle. Depression and effortless perfection hold that elusive place in society, similarly hidden and avoided topics of discussion.

Jane- a tormented soul struggling to find peace within herself. “CAPS is helping Jane get through her depression.” Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) helps girls overcome the fight to be effortlessly perfect.  

Gary Glass, 

Licensed Psychologist and 

Assistant Director for Outreach and Developmental Programming and Duke University Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), provides an insight into the struggles he sees everyday.  

1- Do you see effortless perfection as a main source of stress/mental struggles at Duke?  If so, do you think it is worse here than at other colleges?

 I do see this concept as a significant source, although I hear the term a lot less than I did 3-5 years ago.  I think that, in addition (but part of) this concept is also a prohibition of vulnerability.   Not only is that a problem because it sends people into hiding when they are struggling in any way, but also because it deprives the campus culture from the intricacies of being human that would deepen friendships and inform relationships of all levels.   I think the effects are stronger than at many other institutions, partly because of how insulated the campus community is, the relative smaller size (the more students, the more difference is accepted), and because it's a highly selective institution (which creates a competitive context).

2- Do you see boys as well as girls dealing with effortless perfection here at Duke?  

 Yes, but in different ways.   While men are increasingly facing body image problems, those pressures are still rather gendered in such a way that women struggle more often and more profoundly with achieving an idealized body type.  I think the way "perfection" is defined in terms of career choice, courses taken, etc can also be somewhat gendered.  I also see that race and culture play a role in how perfection is defined on campus, and students of color, students from backgrounds with less economic resources, and students from other countries all confront ideals that may not fit with the world view they arrived here with.

3- How do you think as a community and a society we can fight effortless perfection?

 Blogs like yours and the Me Too blog, which a student and I launched a few years ago, have the right idea.  The more open people are, the more they take risks to show their true selves (confident when that's true, and vulnerable when that's true) are key.  I also think about defining success and strength with greater flexibility and less in dichotomous terms would go a long way.  

4- Any additional comments you may have on the subject.  I am really just looking for a new point of view that is close to the source of the problem at Duke.  

 Just that last point I made.  You may notice that my signature line has a quote in it that refers to paradox.  

"I had to make my world large, as the universe is large, so that there would be room for paradox."  - Maxine Hong Kingston

I believe the core issue is that students promote and buy into (not to mention the university as a whole) a dichotomous view of life that's limiting, misleading, and problematic.  Good/Bad, Fat/Thin, Intelligent/Stupid, All/Nothing, Black/White, Perfect/Worthless.  Furthermore, this tendency to operate from such a lens comes from a culture where FEAR drives attitudes and behaviors more than ASPIRATIONS and HOPES.   That's a paragraph summary of a much more elaborate explanation, but the book will take a little longer to get out, so that's a sneak preview.   

So to the world, Jane is good, thin, intelligence, has it all, perfect.  But inside, she feels alone, feels bad, stupid, worthless.  Dr. Glass works to dispel the dichotomy, provide an alternative for a harsh line dividing the good from the bad, the happy from the depressed, the “perfect” from the flawed.